Why does it feel like everyone is dating but me?

Contributor: Benshen by Desiree Pais
Photographer: @desireepais

The first thing I will say is…maybe they are! Now of course I don’t know your full story but I know the feeling. Sometimes it can feel like everyone is living their life and you’re sitting around twirling your thumbs if they’re not busy swiping left and right. Modern dating can sometimes feel so frustrating that at times we want to throw our phones out the window and our sanity out the door. We may even want to give it up all together so we end up sitting alone wondering, “why is everyone dating but me”.

Obviously, there are so many layers to why you may not be attracting a partner - maybe there’s growth that needs to happen in other areas of your life or you have to work on your confidence. But in the meantime, but that doesn’t mean that you have to sit around in a self-induced pity party. What I would suggest to you is to stop thinking of it as dating but as going out and living your life, meeting people, engaging with the world in the most playful way. I was recently listening to a podcast with Lewis Howes and Matthew Hussey, the King of Modern Dating, where Matthew talked about how with the rise of dating apps, everyone is so warped about finding someone because the possibility of finding one is so much greater and faster. Yet, the problem with this is that because there’s so many options, the interactions are less meaningful and people are getting hurt left and right.

What Matthew suggests is that we all stop looking at dating as DATING. He talks about this because with the rise of dating apps, he explains that contrary to what we believe, people are actually going on much less meaningful dates, interacting with less people IRL, and even, as a society, we are having less sex than ever. He goes on to explain that the reason for this is because of something called activation energy. Something that takes more activation energy, people are less likely to do. To get all dressed up, go out, meet someone in real life takes more activation energy than sitting on your couch and swiping. But the latter is what makes meeting people on apps somewhat less meaninful (of course, there are many exceptions). When we meet people in person, because the activation energy is so high, it actually holds more gold - there’s interaction, connection, excitement, and the surge of possibility. Especially in today’s age it will feel even more thrilling to meet someone IRl rather than online because we’re getting to a point where the dating app bubble is becoming so overwhelming to people that when you do connect with someone in person, it’s much more enticing.

With all that said, my advice to you if you feel like everyone is dating but you, get off the apps (if you’re on them), off the couch (if you’re on one), and start to master the art of flirting with the world. If you feel like everyone else is dating, I want you to stop looking at it as you’re dating and looking for the one but try on a new adventure: become a master at connecting with people.

My challenge to you is for the next 40 days, I want you to say hi to one new person a day. Make a conversation with someone. At the coffee shop, at your gym. Comment on their shirt. Their shoes. Make them laugh. I don’t care who you talk to, the point is to learn how to engage with the world in a fun, playful way. Not only will you start to enjoy every single day more because you’re meeting so many new people but you’ll forget all about that dating thing as you start to make more connections in person. And then, once you build up enough confidence in your ability to connect with people, you’ll be able to walk right up to someone you think is cute and say hello. With confidence, a smile, and the ability to connect with anyone and everyone, you never know where a little small talk and a whole lotta spark can go.

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